Saturday, February 28, 2009

Cancer Sucks

It's a somber day across Bloggerville. Lisa Clusterfook lost her battle with cancer. There's not much else to say today, I pulled my original post, it will run tomorrow instead. Pray for Dude and Teenie and Cam and everyone else afflicted with this horrible disease. Pray for a cure.

RIP Lisa, happy blogging in Heaven.

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Thursday, February 26, 2009

Irish Viagra

I'm crazy busy today spinning wheels and taking two steps backwards, so I'm going to share this ditty that my brother sent me.

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask
his advice in reviving her husband's libido. "What about
trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said.. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra.' It's
when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor,
who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the
effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up,
with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With
one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped
me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on
the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you doctor, an absolute

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your
husband provided wasn't good?"

"Dear sweet jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure
as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks

And to be fair, one from my SIL

Giving up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

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Wednesday, February 25, 2009

PMS-ing on Ash Wednesday

PMS and Ash Wednesday, they have an S in common, S as in snake and today I am mean as a snake.

I was genuinely going to take Georgie's Love Dare. I failed on day 4.

Day 4-Love is thoughtful

How precious also are Your thoughts to me. . . .
How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them,
they would outnumber the sand. —Psalm 139:17–18

The Dare:

Contact your spouse sometime during
the business of the day. Have no agenda
other than asking how he or she
is doing and if there is anything
you could do for them.

It surely wasn't thoughtful of me when I screamed at Whynot, "get a fucking calendar douche bag, follow along, yeah it's PMS, now leave me alone!"

Luckily, it was yesterday and doesn't count towards my Lenten resolution of being a kinder person. Besides I think Bishop Sartain would allow a special dispensation for PMS. Yeah I'm so sure of it, that I think I'll go eat that last paczki now. The fasting regulations don't apply if it would negatively affect my health or ability to work. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. But just in case, I'll say five Hail Marys.

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Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Paying it Forward

Today is Mardi Gras, don't laugh your face will crack.

TOF refused to wear the mask, it scared him and it was a shame to waste such a beautiful work of art. I think it's an improvement, think of all the time you'd save applying makeup. I'm on to something, I just know it.

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. That would be the reason you see all those people at Walmart with the big ole black dot on their forehead. It's the first day of Lent, a time of repentance and sacrifice.

I'm not really good at remembering that I gave something up for Lent anymore. In my first marriage it was really easy, I gave up sex. Yup you heard it, I really did and the sperm donor gave up beer. So rather than give something up I usually try to be a nicer person.

So when I came upon this post at Mom is in the Fishbowl, I thought BINGO, I can do this! This is how it works... The first 3 people to leave a comment on this post and post about this on your own blog will receive a hand made gift from me during this year. When and what it will be is a big surprise!!

BUT, in order for you to leave a comment on my blog, you have to post this on your blog first. (that means that sometime during this year you will send a gift to 3 people as well.) Get it? So, rush over to your blog, post this and then come back here and leave me a comment! The first 3 people to comment on this post will be the lucky ones!

Good luck!

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Down Under

G'day mates! Time for another geography lesson on The Avenue. Today we're going to talk about Tasmania, Australia's only island state.

Tasmania is a heart-shaped island of lush green valleys, uncrowded towns and villages and undeveloped coastlines. It is one of the world's most mountainous islands although the peaks do not tower to great heights.

When traveling to Tasmania there are many thrifty options for overnight accommodations.

Hobart Accommodation

Hobart is a place of yachts, fishing boats and cafes by the sea for sipping cappuccinos.

Launceston Accommodation

Launceston serves as the commercial hub for the north of Tasmania, and like many parts of the state, is becoming a major tourist center.


Devonport Accommodation

Devonport is primarily known as the port for the Spirit of Tasmania ferries.

If you ever have the opportunity to visit the edge of the world it will be an experience you will always remember.

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Monday, February 23, 2009

Happy Birthday!

Yesterday, the love of my life celebrated a birthday.

No, not him! The other love of my life. I stuck Whynot's picture here so you could see the resemblance. Scary no? Yeah, Whynot doesn't see it. Keeps asking, "You really think he looks like me?" I think he does that just so his head swells more.

The Birthday Boy!

He turned THIS many.
You decide, does he look like his Pa?

Even scarier, InkMan looks just like the both of them!

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Sunday, February 22, 2009

Where Oh Where, Oh Where is Wenda?

Have you seen Wenda?

I've seen that she left a comment over here. And all the comments here confirm that Wenda is making her way through the blogosphere. So why Wenda will you not pop in on The Avenue?

I'm absolutely exasperated with the thoughts of why you may not want to visit me! I confess I am not the best housekeeper, it's messy here on The Avenue. But I promise, today that is going to change! At the top of my list, well a few items down, after blogging and lots of coffee, ok ok, before I go to bed tonight I will clean up around here. I promise! You may also be deterred by the amount of snow in the driveway. I'm sorry, we're lazy that way and for crying out loud the snow has been falling all too frequently this winter. But for you dear, I will shovel.

I just read the rules for the contest again and it looks like cleaning and shoveling will have to wait! I need to find Wenda and win some awesome prizes.

Wenda! Where are you??!! For the rest of you visiting today, puleese take your shoes off, they are covered in snow and just kick past the piles of crap and make yourselves at home, I'll be back soon. Oh and feel free to dust if you are so moved.


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Saturday, February 21, 2009

There's a Bathroom on the Right

Let me preface this by saying, if there is a crowd and I am in it, you can always find me next to the biggest asshole or six there. Never fails, put me in a room and they are drawn to me like a magnet.

Whynot and I got some comps to see Creedence Clearwater Revisted at the Horseshoe in Hammond IN. I love FREE and we both love the rock and roll, so in spite of the heavy snow in the forecast, we were off like dirty shirts.

It was date night on The Avenue, I even showered and applied makeup. Put on one of my new bras too!

Our seats were pretty much front and center, well they were center, what do you want for free? They were good seats...UNTIL....see above...yup, the assholes arrived.

Directly in front we have Mr I Won't Grow Up, I'm still in high school, so I'm gonna hoot an holler like a fool. The guy was AT LEAST 60. And that's all well and good, but DO NOT draw attention to yourself and act like an ass and pretend you know the song titles when your dementia prevents it. And do not try to make friends with me, by telling me what a stick in shit your frigid wife is. I'm all set in that department thankyouverymuch. Further more, do not try to impress me with the fact that you smuggled in a beer from home unless you have one or six to offer me!

Behind me and to my right, so that I can see them out of the corner of my eye the entire night, are Homecoming King and Queen, Mr and Mrs Public Display of Affection. They started out in their seats with some heavy kissing and proceeded to bump and grind to about 4 songs before they disappeared to consummate their union. Again these were not teens, but old people! Shit they were at least 55! People, as I told my kids, do not do in public what you would be embarrassed by if Oprah or your mother saw you!

The music wasn't bad. They're old! It's hard to hit those high notes. But they were ok and surprisingly, I remembered most of the songs, considering I was TEN when the original Creedence Clearwater Revival split up.

The set included

  • Born On The Bayou

  • Commotion
  • Have you Ever Seen Rain
  • Suzie Q
  • Hey Tonight

  • Down On The Corner
  • Looking Out My Backdoor

  • I Heard It Through The Grapevine
  • Midnight Special
  • Proud Mary

  • Fortunate Son
  • Travelin' Band
  • Up Around The Bend
  • Good Golly Miss Molly
and of course
  • Bad Moon Rising aka There's a Bathroom on the Right
Gotta love those misheard lyrics!

Good night! I'm off to bed now, time for Whynot to repay those sexual favors from last week. Oops, sorry for the TMI.

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Thursday, February 19, 2009

I Love Me Some Good Craigslist

Nitpicker Wanted SF Bay Area

The Hair Whisperers Lice Removal service is looking for someone based in San Fransisco to remove lice and eggs from people infected with lice. Qualified candidates should have valid driver's license, great close up eyesight, feel comfortable going into people's homes, be personable, good with children, and extremely detailed oriented. Squeamish people need not apply. A good sense of humor a plus! A background check is required, and references will be checked as well. To be considered, all applicants must include where they live, and what times and days they are available. Travel is not paid for. No Weekend Only please.
Driving is a large part of this job, and the longer you are willing to drive, the more you will work. Driving is unpaid. You can set your own hours, and choose when you work, but should be available at least a few hours every day. No 9-5-ers looking to start work at 6 pm, as children often go to sleep at 8. We will train qualified applicants. This is an independent contractor position. Training is in Los Angeles. Training and travel to Los Angeles is unpaid and can take anywhere from five to ten hours.
This job would be for supplemental income. Great job for stay at home moms looking to make extra money.

  • Compensation: $50 an hour
  • This is a part-time job.
  • Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
  • Please, no phone calls about this job!
  • Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
Damn, if I were only closer to the Bay Area. That's decent money for a job with benefits.

Next stop, Virginia.

Wanted Roadkill

I want your roadkill. Why, might you ask? Simple. I drive around and regularly see 1-2 deer a week on the side of the road, rotting. Since an average deer has about 80-120 pounds of usable venison on it, its a shame that all that meat is wasted. Plus, you can't normally buy venison, so unless you have a hunting friend or hunt yourself (or pay crazy prices at a restaurant), you can never enjoy the lean, tasty meat that is venison.

So, here's my offer. If you happen to hit a deer (or larger animal, although I don't think we have many of those in southern Virginia), you can bring the animal to me, and I'll carve it up for you, and split the meat 50/50. I hunt, and I do my own butchering, so it doesn't take too long for me, and I enjoy it. Since hunting season is now passed, I'd like something to occupy my time, while also filling my freezer.

There are rules though, like anything else in life:
1. It has to be a deer or bigger. I'm not carving up a flat squirrel for you.
2. It must be less than a day old. God only knows what happens to the carcass after a day of sitting there.
3. You have to call the police after your accident. The cops come out and issue you a permit so that you legally own the deer. It's quick, and it keeps it legal (I'm not carving up poached animals, and if you poach, you should rid the world of your sorry existence).
4. You bring the animal to me (I'm in Suffolk), and I do the rest, and call you when its done. If you live in Suffolk, or hit the deer in Suffolk, I could come to you, but I'm not driving to VA Beach at 10 pm at night.
5. I'll cut up the animal and give half the meat to you in sealed bags. I'll even label it, so you'll know what cuts you're getting. You eat it and enjoy!

Of course, you may feel odd eating roadkill. I mean, that's a redneck thing, right? Absolutely untrue. For starters, you're using meat that would normally be wasted, so its good for the environment. Venison is leaner (deer don't sit on big farms eating corn), healthier (no injected hormones here!), and tastier (there is no such thing as "gamey" meat. That's just anti-hunters trying to justify themselves) than beef. Plus, you get it for nothing (except whatever your car insurance deductible is, if you decide to file a claim). All these positive reasons are sure to impress your hippie friends, if you are unfortunate enough to have some.

Drop me an email (I check it all the time, so replies won't take long) when you hit a deer. If you're a police officer and want my phone number (since you probably get calls all the time), you can email me and I'll give you my cell number. If its late, you can always temporarily store the animal at your house and bring it over when I get back to you.

Start enjoying the meat of your unfortunate labors!

Maybe, just maybe you could lure those animals with the nits and then you could hit them with your car?

Finally for my fellow Lost fans.

Looking For Mrs Hawkins

Desperately need a time machine to take me back 6 weeks in time, plus or minus a day. If you have a time machine and are willing to let me borrow it, or know of someone with an impending trip back in time, please let me know ASAP!

I will pay big bucks to have myself warned to NOT sleep with that tramp at the One and Only Bar on the Boulevard.

Tell me that she is very, VERY fertile that night in question, and has a whopping 3 STDs that I will get if I copulate with her.



Key things that will let the me in the past know you are for real:

*Tell me that you know about the rubber ducky incident

*Tell me that you know that I pissed in my friends pool last week, when he was in it.

*Tell me that no matter how hard I try, the lesbian at Barnes and Noble will NEVER go for it, no matter how many sex books I ask her opinions on.

If I still doubt you- use this one-----

*Mention that you know I made out with my cousin when we were drunk at a kegger last summer- NO ONE KNOWS THIS BUT US TWO!!


The Island needs you Desmond!

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Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Random Thoughts

Just catching up on some TV viewing.

The number one question!!!! Where is Aaron? AND....We're supposed to believe that? That whole get on a plane and FLASH, we're on the island again?

Oh there's more, but my head is spinning right now. WTF Lost! ??? ^*&%*%&(($*^%*

Next show, has anyone else noticed the one thing that Claudia and Kate have in common? Besides wanting Sonny? They have friggin man hands. Both of them! Short, stubby, chewed up nails and man hands.

Is it just me, or do the scenes between Claudia and Carly crack you up? TWO Carlys, I swear I see them giggling in every scene they have together.

Same show. ROBIN! You are beyond whacked, this is not postpartum depression, you cannot stand the fact that Patrick loves Emma. You are jealous of your own daughter! That is just sick and wrong. Or perhaps you have multiple personality disorder, because yesterday you were cooing and loving up little Emma because she almost died, but was miraculously cured of pneumonia in MINUTES! I'd like that Dr's phone number at 2am so he can perform his magic the next time TOF is sick.

Again the head is spininng, there's so much more. Like all the fuss made about Dante and then poof, no mention and now Olivia is staying in Port Charles and has this posh job at the Metro Court. What experience does she have? I need a Jax to give me a job. But I really don't want a job, just the 6 figure income.

Finally, Damages! Who is this Wes character? Who did he shoot? Could Uncle Pete be any creepier? And who does Ellen shoot?

I hope that all these questions are answered before FX does something stupid like ABC did with Dirty Sexy Money.

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Monday, February 16, 2009

Proud to be an Illinoisan


Just when I thought it was safe to tell people where I'm from.

Just when I thought I could move past the agony and embarrassment and Rod's bad hair.

The Joliet Jack Hammers, a Will County minor-league baseball team, have offered former Governor Blagojevich, a contract for the 2009 season. Team officials faxed an offer to Blagojevich's publicist this week—which includes an $800 a month salary and free lodging with a host family. The ex-governor has not turned down the offer.

You think Rod, Patty and the kids would want to room with me and Whynot on The Avenue?

The Jackhammers could celebrate Blagojevich night by giving fans bobble hair dolls (the hairstyle bobbles instead of the head). They could also sell special "golden" seats (a dig, referring to the infamous wiretaps in which he calls President Obama's former U.S. Senate seat "fucking golden.")

Just when I thought another politician surely wouldn't be as stupid as the last.

Roland Burris, the Freshman Senator appointed by Rod Blagojevich to fill Barack Obama's seat, is now hearing calls for his resignation amid allegations he lied to legislators regarding the Blagojevich investigations.

Gasp, he lied?

Maybe we could be the host family for two aspiring minor league ballplayers?

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Sunday, February 15, 2009

Bling for the Bing Bings

Good Morning Everyone and WELCOME to a very informative and uplifting blog post. I, Megryansmom, will attempt to shop for bras later this afternoon. But first, I'd like to share with you how to find the right bra.

STEP #1 Finding the correct size.

Measure the rib cage snuggly, but comfortably just below the breasts. If the number is 33 or less, add 5 inches to that number and that is your bra size. Over 33 inches add 3 inches to get you bra size. Both ways, rounding odd numbers up to even.

Then measure the bust around the fullest part. Now subtract that last number from this new number and you'll come up with another number used to determine cup size.

AA = 1/2"
A = 1"
B = 2"
C = 3"
D = 4"
DD or E = 5"
F = 6"
G = 7"

Just as an example, lets use these random numbers. If your ribcage measures 31 inches, then add 5 and you come up with 36. Now the fullest part of your boobs measures 36 inches, so subtract 31 from 36, leaving 5, thus making your cup size a DD and your bras size a 36DD. Ehem, please note these are RANDOM numbers and in no way, shape or form MY BRA SIZE or even what the lady at JCPenney recommended to be MY BRA SIZE.

After you have the right size the next thing to think about is what kind of bra is needed. Is it for support, coverage, comfort or athletics? Bras come in a variety of fits and fabrics. There are different styles of bras designed for specific body types, fashions and activities. No one bra can do it all!

THIS is my everyday favorite, feels like I'm not wearing a bra, winter wear under sweatshirts bra. Walmart Bestform $6.96

THIS is what Whynot wishes my everyday bra looked like.

THIS is an AWESOME T-shirt and sweater and every other purpose bra.
Still practical, yet a bit sexier than the sport's bra.

THIS is my mother's bra! Sears. It's the ONLY style I have ever seen my mother wear. It's her bra, she loves it so much she sleeps in it.

The options available can be overwhelming, you have to choose amount of padding, support, color, style — Of course, once you find the perfect fit, you swear by it and end up with multiples of the same bra in different colors and life is good until that time six months later when it's time to shop for new bras and they've discontinued your favorite bras and you're back to square one.

Say a little prayer for my husband today, after the promise of sexual favors and lunch, he has agreed to accompany me on my adventure. He either really loves me or he's just horny and hungry.

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Saturday, February 14, 2009

Happy Valentine's Day

Just a little spontaneity for Valentine's Day.

My beautiful Glitter Gurl and Newman.
Glitter Gurl embellished this picture on Picnik. Maybe if I give them a plug, they'll send me a FREE premium upgrade. She loves it, go check it out.

Have you ever seen my grandson TOF? No? Not today? Oh ok then, I can fix that. Here is my delicious boy!
( Picture not enhanced with Picnik)

Some Valentine's Day gifts for you!

Get a FREE one year subscription to Martha Stewart's LIVING magazine here.

Deal Seeking Mom

FREE subscription to Popular Photography here.

FREE subscription to Elle Decor here.

Check out My Penny Pile for more freebies.

iMommy has a great ADULTS ONLY giveaway here.

FREE subscription to Living the Country Life here.

60% off at with code TREAT plus a free $15 gift from FTD with every order.

Kohl's President's Day Sale

Save 30% off your entire order with code pres30day expires 2/17

FREE shipping at Kohl's with code MVC3379 expires 2/15 so hurry!

(You can combine both offers)

Today and tomorrow FREE breakfast at IKEA.

Have a wonderful Valentine's Day everyone.

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Friday, February 13, 2009

Happy Heart's Day!

Brought to you by the number 6

and lots of heart shapes.

TOF and I have been very busy preparing Valentine's day goodies this week.

I made some nifty little heart shaped cards and attached them to a cello bag full of M & M's.

TOF made this cute heart puppy bag to bring all his treats home in.

AND this sort of mosaic heart.

AND this super cute caterpillar, which he insists on calling a bumble bee. 1 2 3 4 5 6 hearts and a squiggly antennae.

AND this lovely bouquet of flowers. Six heart flowers with six polka dots on each one, cleverly attached to pipe cleaner stems. Tied together with a Balentine's Day ribbon, attached a card and voila, a super de duper gift for Mommy.

Admit it, all floral delivery men should be this cute!

p.s. Not feeling crafty? It's ok, here's a site your kids will absolutely love. Scroll through the titles, and choose view online, you'll have enough time to shove some yummy chocolate in your face without them ever knowing :)

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