Friday, May 29, 2009


Good Morning, I'd like to point out to those of you that may not have noticed that I've been away for a week. A whole week. Other than mindless comments on twitter and equally silly status updates on Facebook, I've had nothing upbeat to share. So rather than bring everyone down with my woe is me (again) attitude I've decided to take a break from blogging. Recently, my real life has force fed me a huge bowl of crap. Ugly, bitter, yucky crap. The kind of crap that no one should ever have to endure, the kind that leaves you wondering how and when did things get so bad. No my marriage is not in trouble and that's really all I care to share right here right now.

I hurt, but like a Superball I'll bounce back in time. I have my internet, well I thought I did until today when I came across a hurtful comment directed at me. On MY internet, MY play zone, the FUN place I go to get away from life's crap, because quite frankly I can't afford the $100 or whatever dollar amount co pay for professional psychological care, so my $24.95 internet works for me. I read, I laugh, I play games, I realize that even my crazy life is a bed of roses compared to some. IMAGINE THAT!

I'm sarcastic, I get sarcasm! Sarcasm is good stuff. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt and now, I got hurt, on top of hurt.

So for today and EVERYDAY, choose your words carefully, you never know who'll be left crying as a result of them.

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Friday, May 22, 2009

You'd Be Crabby Too!

We started to 'bud' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had callouses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we peed our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain, all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push." More like 10, warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels, only to find that when all that 'cute' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their 'Teen Years.' Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday..

So we progress into the grand finale: 'The Menopause,' the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned 'buds' or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, 'Womanhood' would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. You think women are the 'weaker sex?' Yeah right. Bite me.

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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Birthday presents, cash woes and some FANTASYS thrown in for good measure.......

Muh man’s birthday is rapidly approaching and I need to select an extremely awesome gift for this very special birthday number 55. Double nickels! Something that will say "I love you even when you run off to do your thing while leaving me with a seriously over grown lawn." Without a large outlay of cash, because cash and I don’t have a good relationship. Cash NEVER stands by me through thick and thin, it comes and goes, usually more of the goes.
Why am I always so broke!? Am I the only person you know that earns SIX figures and complains of money woes? That’s right peeps, I’m coming clean, my annual income is SIX figures. $1,040.00. One, two, three, four, decimal point, five, six. Unfortunately champagne wishes and caviar dreams don't come true unless the six digits are ALL to the left of that itty bitty ever important decimal point. Hrmphhh, how trivial.
Hmm, what's this in my inbox?
An offer from my fairy godfather at Eden Fantasys to review another fantabulous sex toy! B-I-N-G-O! The perfect gift solution.

Oh look, it's mailman Steve, at my door already, holding a plain white box with no incriminating return address. Wow, Eden Fantasys isn't kidding when they say fast shipping!
My selection this time.....the Bedside Lover's Tool Kit, because seriously what man doesn't love when it's all about him topped off with a little (or a lot of) hummin the bobo. I was especially excited about the feather duster and honey dust, I had this stuff a million years ago in another galaxy and it was awesome! But yeah, it was a sex toy that I used with my ex husband and I think it may have been one of the many things I told him to shove up his ass when I left. Plus reusing stuff like that in a new relationship, just so not cool.

The kit is tucked neatly into a box that conceals your intimate indulgences easily within your reach. It looks like a little jewelry box that no one would question if displayed on your nightstand. The portions are small, like smaller than sample size small, about 1 ounce of each. Just sayin.
The feather duster, eh, it was ok. Perhaps a small brush or pouf would be better for application. The honey dust was a serious disappointment and not at all as I remembered it. I'd like to take a moment to address the Kama Sutra people, yo, a plastic baggie? WTF? It wasn't even Ziploc, it spilled all over and then some more. This really needs to be in jar like my powdered makeup, with tiny holes on the top, so you can apply sparingly and not end up with 1/2 the bag on your sheets when an overly zealous hubby grabs it at the bottom. It sort of ruins the moment.
The Oil of Love, gently warms when you blow on it and it's not really oil, it's water based and washes off easily, which is a plus. You can use the Oil of Love as a lubricant or a massage oil. This was nice except for the packaging. It's a tiny bottle, with an even teenier tinier difficult to remove cork. Again, spillage. Are ya listening Kama Sutra marketing department?
The edible Vanilla Massage Cream was interesting, not quite as tasty as frosting or Cool Whip, but doable. At last, a container that I was pleased with, a small jar with a screw on top.
Finally, the Love Liquid, who names this stuff? But yeah, the Love Liquid was all that it promised to be, "slippery smooth through the night," packaged in a spill proof tube.
The concept behind this Bedside Lover's Tool Kit is great, it just needs a little fine tuning in my opinion.
Now I'm going to click my heels together and repeat "there's no place like Eden Fantasys, there's no place like Eden Fantasys, there's no place like Eden Fantasys" and maybe my fairy godfather will wave his magic wand (hehe, that made me giggle a little) and offer my readers a giveaway. Hey a girl's gotta have some FANTASYS.
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Sunday, May 17, 2009

I'm Twitterific!

Happy Sunday everyone! It's a great day here on The Avenue, the sun is shining, I have a nice pot of fresh hot decaf available, Whynot is snoring away upstairs and all is well with my far. Dang, getting laid on a Saturday night sure does wonders. Oops sorry, TMI. Crap, now you're all blind and can't read the rest of my post. I hate when that happens! Here goes nothing....

Do you TWITTER? I TWITTER! Stop that! I'm not talking about the fantastic sex anymore! Online! Do you TWITTER?

I've become a smidge obsessed with TWITTER. I check it 47,000 times a day, seriously, that many. Nothing gets done around here, laundry is piling up, dishes are dirty, TOF sits around in a dirty diaper watching commercial television all damn day and I TWITTER. But people don't TWITTER me back nearly as much as I'd like them too. What is that all about? Am I not cool enough for you TWITTERVERSE? Cuz I'm sort of cool, at least I like to think so. Are my TWEETS boring?

You tell me. Here's some of the stuff I TWEET:

  • Hola Tweeters! Just back from dinner and Super Target. My very 1st time. AWESOME!
  • Anyone have a beer of some wine they'd like to share with me? It's been a LONG day
  • I am up, I am showered, I am dressed. It's still WINTER......carry on
  • @charmedimsure awww, I'm sending some virtual chicken soup and tea. I'll even fluff your pillow. Feel better!
  • Uggh I just sat down to relax and I'm smelling something nasty, like dirty feet, or stale popcorn WTF!!
  • DO NOT tell the Rabbi, but I just had the most delicious corned beef and cheese on marble rye sandwich.
  • @McMommyblog is that wrong to do? Wear your makeup 2 days in a row? I mean we are in a recession, cut corners where you have to.
  • Does it make me a bad person if at 2 pm I am still in my flannel jammies? Catching up on DAMAGES.
  • Last ER tonight. For me this is reminiscent of the last M*A*S*H
  • @ladybug_3777 I used to be thin, I listened to people when they said that to me...dang! The cake did me in.
  • Another manic Monday, why do people insist on pairing GOOD with MORNING, makes no sense to me. On a good morning, I'd still be in bed.
  • Bad day gone worse...forgot to watch Prison Break and I'm out of wine. Living la vida sucko
  • Megryansmom was here BEFORE Oprah. Hell Chicago was MY town before it was hers! I'm taking my city back!!
  • What a great day in Chicago sports, Cubs win, Bulls win, Hawks win. Did I miss anyone. Nope, didn't think so.
  • @matusik5 crap it must be hormones, I'm crying. Good luck Lisa, come on Brady, it's your birthday!
  • Study: Nearly 1 in 10 U.S. kids are addicted to video games. My question: How many adults are addicted to Twitter?
  • wondering...."are there places you cannot reach with a washcloth?"
  • Still laughing about this @momneedstherapy RT should I stop the husband from shoving it in further? Or just laugh at him as he does it?
  • Buzz word update: We've traded "going Green" for "Swine flu" this week, please adjust your twitters accordingly.
  • I love my hubby, he filled the gas can for the lawn mower so I could mow while he's at the Cub game. Nothing says I love you like a lawn job
  • Greg Maddux DOES NOT wash his hands after peeing. That's the honest to God truth from a reliable source
  • @Go_Girls Hey how about a Go Girl for my faithful readers?
and my most recent TWEET

  • Hey Chicago whatta you say, the Cubs are gonna win today! If you're going to the game look for me in Sect 505 ;) #gocubsgo

See I AM way cool! Off to the Cub game. TWEET y'all later!

Go Cubs Go!!!!

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Friday, May 15, 2009

Hold on to Your Asshats Everyone

Hehe, borrowed that from Cheryl, sort of, the ass hat part. But hey it's not copyrighted so I figure it's a free term to borrow. Quick post before I hop into the lukewarm first shower of the day on The Avenue. No idea why the water isn't HOT for me when I take my shower and Whynot gets all the nice water. No idea at all. It sucks. I am near renting a room at the hotel down the road just so I can take an hour long hot shower!! Any motels with offers feel free to contact me, I'll plug you right here on my blog and be eternally grateful.

But yeah, that's not my news. My news is.......

Yes siree, Augie Dawgs is having another BOY!

Yeah, sadly there is no pink for us this time, but I'm ok with it. I seriously thought I would cry, but I'm ok. Two boys, "the boys", "my boys", these are my "grandsons" Yeah I'm liking it. Boys can push lawn mowers for their feeble grandparents and do odd jobs around the house and stuff like that.

Brothers that can share a room with bunk beds and wrestle and be best friends. They have a built in best man. A drinking buddie. Whoa, stop me, I'm letting them grow up.

So there you have it, my big news. Now I can shower and you can all resume whatever it was you were doing, but leave some love on your way out and close the bathroom door, it's friggin cold in here!

It's FRIDAY!!!!!!

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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

They're two they're four they're six they're eight.....

Thanks to Mom Select, AEG Themestar and HIT Entertainment, Megryansmom & Co. recently had the pleasure of attending the all-new 90-minute musical adventure Thomas & Friends™ Live! On Stage: A Circus Comes To Town.

TOF was pumped! Sporting his new for him Thomas outfit and pack pack. Pa was even happy to tag along this time.

Right about now this Mema is a tad miffed! Why can't I post pictures!?!?!? Ok, well I can fix that, I'll just add a Smilebox.

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A Circus Comes to Town is packed with audience singalongs, high-energy dancing and thrilling adventures. When Thomas makes a big mistake, all the engines on the Island of Sodor must work together to prepare for the exciting event under the Big Top as Thomas proves he's a really useful engine once again. Along the way, Percy, James, Gordon, and of course Thomas, join with Sir Topham Hatt and the townspeople from the Island of Sodor to welcome a colorful cast of circus performers in an engaging story that demonstrates the importance of friendship and cooperation.

We tapped our toes and clapped our hands to the familiar songs and some new ones too. TOF was delighted to see the life sized trains he so loves.

Thank you again Mom Select for providing the opportunity for this wonderful afternoon out with my grandson. Check here to see if there's a show in your town and prepare to have fun!

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Friday, May 8, 2009

An Ode for Mother's Day

Well not exactly an ode, just my thoughts on mothering and grandmothering, well not even really that either. Just a bunch of sentimental crap I'm feeling at the moment.

As a young mother I always felt so rushed, in such a hurry, so much to do. So many things had to be just perfect. Where we were going or what was so important at the time escapes my memory. I cried when Ninny babysat and the kids got dirty or their clothes got stained or heaven forbid they ate something not healthy. I would puree fresh liver and carrots for my son when he was 8 months old. That same son who much to his embarrassment received a trophy for cleanest uniform the first year he played t-ball. Gasp! Surely a horrible childhood which would necessitate therapy. (Anyone need tips for getting grass stains out, email me, I have the sure fire remedy from back in the pre Oxy-Clean days.)

I was the mom who cringed at the thought of Playdoh, oh we had it, we played with it occasionally, at the breakfast counter while the children were carefully supervised so that there wouldn't be a big mess to clean up. I was the mom who practically vomited when sand was involved. We always took my dad's car to the beach in Melbourne. Sand in my own car was more than my obsessive personality disorder could handle. Sugar was served sparingly, whole milk, eggs and fresh fruits and vegetables generously.

As a grandmother I've thrown all care to the wind. My grandson eats Cocoa Puffs and Poptarts for breakfast, much to my youngest daughter's dismay. "We never got to eat that when we were kids!" she complains. In all seriousness I reply, "so have a bowl now."

Candy is plentiful at Mema's house. Two blue M & M's are doled out for every successful potty break. The cookie jar is always full and a variety of snacks ranging from Scooby Doo Fruit Snacks to Hostess Brownie Bites line the shelves of my pantry. Lunches consist of bologna sandwiches, hots dogs, chicken nuggets or mac and cheese. (Before y'all go calling DCFS, TOF eats a good amount of fruits and vegetables and takes two Omega-3 Gummi Fish Brain Boosters daily.)

Then there's playtime! We take walks, we pick dandelions and shove rocks in our pockets. We sing and dance like no one is watching. The backyard of The Avenue has not ONE, but TWO sand tables and a truckload of sand toys. Climbers, a playhouse and several rocking toys. Sidewalk chalk, bubbles and sprinkler toys. A miniature basket ball hoop, soccer balls and baseball bats and balls. For indoors we have Playdoh, paints, markers, and a forest of construction paper. We listen to music and bang on empty coffee cans.

I've learned to relax a lot in the short time I've been a grandmother, we get messy and we get dirty but it's all worthwhile when at the end of the day I hear, "we had a good day Mema!" Because it's then that I realize, I am important in the life of a child.

Here's hoping you guys figure that out sooner than I did, if you haven't already.

Have a wonderful Mother's Day everyone!

The flower pots we painted together for Mother's Day

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Thursday, May 7, 2009

Odd Day

Okie dokie math buffs, it's another great holiday for us! Odd Day! A calendar comet. Seriously, it's a real thing. Today's calendar date 5-7-09, features THREE consecutive odd numbers. This particular string of numbers only comes along once every century, although additional Odd Days can be celebrated SIX times each century. The last being 3-5-07. After today we'll have to wait until July 9th, 2011.

Happy Odd Day! Now go High FIVE someone, do some odds and ends, it's OK to feel odd today.

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Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Cinco de Mayo and a WINNER!

Random Integer Generator

Here are your random numbers:


Timestamp: 2009-05-05 15:10:01 UTC

We have a winner!

3 Bay B Chicks said...

I also follow you on Twitter. I don't want to miss a thing.
April 29, 2009 9:21 AM

Congrats Francesca! I'll email you with the great news.

That is all.

No seriously.

I've got nothing else today.

We're painting flower pots for Mother's Day, I am spent.

Paint + rubber stamps + clay pots = ONE HUGE MESS on The Avenue.

I'll try to take pictures if my anxiety doesn't get the best of me.

Wish me luck or send drugs and tequila and maybe a HAZMAT cleaning team.

Now you can all happily resume consumption of margaritas and salsa.

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Sunday, May 3, 2009

When Elmo Grows Up

Whew, back from the dead and wandering Indiana. Thanks to blogger buddy, Nap Warden and the good folks at Sesame Street Live, we were able to attend When Elmo Grows Up at the Star Plaza Theater in Merrillville, IN last night.

Nap Warden's giveaway said it was for tickets on May 8th at the Rosemont Theater, so I was delighted when the vouchers came and I had a choice between that performance and the one on May 1st at the Star Plaza. I did a quick Mapquest and learned that Merrillville was only 10 miles further away from J-town than the Rosemont Theater. Road trip, let's smuggle that child past state lines and break all sorts of laws if we can! Yahooo!

My surprises didn't end there. Let me say the wonderful folks in Indiana are on to something that the Chicago area has not figured out yet. FREE PARKING!!! Reasonably priced concessions!!! Now wait for it......leaving the theater and parking lot in a timely and orderly manner!!! We were not trampled by a stampede of unrulies trying to get outside, I did not hear one car blow their horn in frustration, traffic flowed smoothly towards the main road and we were on our way home less than 10 minutes after the show ended. TEN MINUTES PEOPLE!!! If you've ever attended any event in Chicago you know I'd still be sitting in that damn parking lot right now!!!

Elmo and his buddies put on a spectacular performance. Our seats were about 9 rows from the stage and TOF bopped along to the music, waving happily to all the familiar friends. If you have the opportunity, I highly recommend that you pack up the kiddos in the mommy van or SUV and head over to see When Elmo Grows Up. I promise it will not disappoint.

Now grab some popcorn and enjoy the show, we sure did!

Click to play this Smilebox slideshow: Elmo Grows Up
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Friday, May 1, 2009

Guess Who Has Swine Flu!!!??

Stupid Blogger cropped my picture!

As the two friends wandered through the snow on their way home, Piglet grinned to himself, thinking how lucky he was to have a best friend like Pooh.

Pooh thought to himself:
"If the pig sneezes he's fucken dead."

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